


i'm on fire like a thousand suns

by murphysarc



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Episode: s04e08 Crush, Gen, Mentions of Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 05:52:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4510299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murphysarc/pseuds/murphysarc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wakes up one morning and he's a battered, broken man, but he can't even regret how he came to this point.</p><p>A Duke-centric fic, exploring his thoughts before/during the episode "Crush." Drabble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm on fire like a thousand suns

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry tbh - I'm trying to explore a different way of writing, and I'm also dying because hiatus, so this fic was born. Un-beta'd as of yet so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy and I hope it's not too OOC. :)
> 
> Also - dialogue isn't the same, it's been a while since I've seen this episode, so it does drift from canon.

He wakes up one morning and he's a battered, broken man, but he can't even regret how he came to this point.

The waves glide up and against his boat and he just sits, listening to them, listening to them alone. His brother is.... He never cared about his brother, but his brother is-

is-

 _is_ -

Jennifer's run off but he can't blame her. He wants to run too, with every fiber of his being. It's in his aching bones, in his uneven breath, in his messy, unwashed hair. Especially since Wade, his brother, attacked her and was going to kill her and take away her Trouble and instead... ~~  
~~

Instead, Duke took away _his_ brother's Trouble and his own right along with it. No. That's not right, that's not...he took away his brother.

He stands, and he showers, and he scrubs at his skin desperately as if that will make the pain go away. It doesn't, but somehow, it helps briefly. He's already disposed of the body, but he hasn't - there's blood on the floor that he needs to clean up but he doesn't. Instead, he reaches down and he gently touches it with his right hand. Nothing happens. He already knew that. 

He manages to leave the boat, but...there she is. 

"Pack your things," is all he can say to her. Jennifer still looks terrified, but she's putting all this  _hope_ into him and he can't fathom why. What part of him is hopeful to her? Since when did he, a con, a cheat, a liar and a fraud become someone's hope?

The hurt look in her eyes is too much, so he leaves. He doesn't intend on coming back.

It's Nathan, though, that he can't face, because...because...he doesn't know the  _because_ , he just knows he can't.

He loves Nathan. Not in the 'come here let me kiss you' way that he loves Jennifer but he loves Nathan in a 'I'm not going to let anything happen to you' kind of way. He loves Audrey, too, but Nathan is...Nathan is always there, but mostly, Duke is always there for Nathan.

Except, this time he can't be.

This time, no one asks him what's wrong. No one tries to be there for  _him_ , but all they need is his help. That's all they ever need. 

He leaves them alone. They can go screw themselves.

There comes a point where he has to look out for himself, and not for Audrey or Nathan or even Jennifer or-

That's exactly what he told his brother, once.  _"I'll look out for you,"_ ten year old Duke Crocker told eight year old Wade Crocker and he meant it, then, and he-

And now Wade Crocker is - he's lying in the dirt, at the bottom of a grave that Duke dug for him, and he's lying there because he's- he's-

Ah, dammit. He can't leave this town alone.

He ends up helping Nathan and Audrey that day. He does it out of the spirit of good-will, maybe, and he...oh, he doesn't know. He has every right to tell them to stick it and leave and never come back ever, ever again. But he doesn't, because he's Duke, and Duke doesn't quit. Duke was  _made_ to help other people even if he hates them and that's what he'll end up doing until the day that he dies.

He crawls into bed that night. It's like a blinding flash; all the sadness and relief and  _everything_ comes crashing down at him and he...

Jennifer is beside him. She wraps her arms around him and with that simple gesture he starts crying, sobbing harder than he ever has in his whole entire life. "It's okay," she whispers. He only believes it when it comes from her.

It isn't okay, though, because Wade is-

is-

_is-_

"He's dead," Duke cries out. His fingers clutch the sheets so hard they turn white, but he barely notices, and instead lets himself fall into Jennifer's embrace.

"I know," she says, and for a second, Duke thinks that maybe he should let someone else take care of him, just once in a while.


End file.
